Bella's Off Day
by anythingzombie
Summary: You know the saying "everybody poops"? Well, that goes for everyone, even fictional characters. Edward isn't use to the human body, how will he react when Bella gets gross? Oneshot; R&R.


_I do not own Twilight, but we all own a human body._

_Wrote this to help with my writer's block :) Enjoy._

The Toot

The brown haired girl slept soundly in the angelic vampire's arms. Edward had battled his instincts to be with her, to love her and hold her. He felt like the luckiest man/vampire in the world. He was even more glad that Bella had let him return into her life, after hurting her. Edward could never forgive himself for what he had done, it hurt him just to think about it.

Edward knew what he did was wrong but he was doing it for Bella's sake. So she could live a happy, normal human life.

He loved to be around her when she slept, especially when she spoke. But tonight was different. Bella wasn't releasing noises from her mouth, they were coming from behind. Three toots were released and Edward could only try not to be embarrassed. He wanted to chuckle at the noises but he was still flabbergasted that Bella had made the noises.

He always thought Bella was this perfect girl, polite and well mannered. But followed by the sound was a smell that was disturbing, even for a vampire. It was worse the a werewolf's smell.

Edward had to cup his free hand over his nose. The smell was revolting, even Bella stirred in her sleep. Edward knew Bella was human but he forgot about some of the other stuff humans do. Eventually the smell faded and Edward swore he'd never bring this up, not just for his sake, but for hers.

The Bad Breath

When Bella awoke, Edward was gone. He had went home and would soon be returning with his Volvo. Bella smiled. She was happy Edward was back in her life, she still couldn't believe that this was really happening. She caressed the spot where he had laid all night, she pictured him there; holding her while she slept.

Bella had fallen asleep again. She woke up to a honking noise. When she realized that she slept in, she shot straight out of her bed. "Crap," she muttered and hurried to get dressed. She ignored her bathroom and threw her hair in an elastic band. She grabbed her bag and ran down the stairs. She didn't trip to her surprise, but as she turned the corner, she skidded into the wall with a loud thud. Bella ignored the soon-to-be bruise and slipped on her jacket and boots. She flung the door open and raced to the Volvo, slipping a few times in the wet grass.

Finally she made it safely in the car, she turned to Edward who was looking dazzling. "Sleep in?" he asked her.

"Yes," she replied while exhaling. She looked forward so she wasn't able to see Edward stiffen at her bad breath. It wasn't as worse as the toots, but it was no freesia either. Bella and Edward talked about mindless things, once they pulled into the parking lot, Bella leaned over for a kiss.

Edward wanted to kiss her over and over again, but her rancid breath made him squirm. He smiled at her.

"Alice is waiting for us," he lied. Alice saw that Bella was going to have gross breath. She vanished.

The bell rang and Edward walked his love to class. Once she disappeared he kicked himself in the leg. He should have said something to her, now she'd be sharing her bad breath with everyone. Next time he saw her, he'd tell her.

The Lettuce

Edward never did tell Bella, he couldn't find it in his heart to be the one to embarrass her. Nobody else did either, so Bella went on with stinky breath. It was lunch now. Edward came to the conclusion that the food would get rid of the bad breath. They walked hand in hand to lunch.

Edward bought Bella's lunch, even though she refused. He even bought his own. Bella was starving. She had slept through dinner and didn't eat breakfast. Secretly she was glad Edward had bought so much food. When they sat at the table Bella, plunged into her food. Joining them were Alice, Angela and Ben.

Everyone talked during lunch. Bella received an ignored talk about her wardrobe from Alice. Angela watched Bella's binging in amazement; she never saw someone so petite eat so much. Ben was busy reading a comic book and discussing the reasons why superheros shouldn't wear capes with Edward.

When the Bell rang, Edward walked Bella to her next class.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," Edward quoted once they were at the door, Bella grinned with a closed mouth at him and kissed him gently on the lips. Edward was no longer afraid of her nasty breath. The bell rang and Bella pulled away.

"Love you," she said and smiled, then turned away.

Edward was frozen in shock. Bella had something in her teeth. It was green; it was a piece of lettuce. It was right in the middle of her two front teeth, but before he could say something, Bella disappeared into her classroom. Edward read the thoughts of a close teacher. He was going to be lectured about sluffing class. He immediately turned around and went to his class.

His poor Bella was just having a horrible day. He hoped it would get better for her.

The B.O

Bella walked to gym thinking about her previous class. Everyone stared at her whenever she answered a question. Why? Did she have something on her face? A zit? Bella gently ran two fingers all over her face. No zits. Was it her hair? Bella patted her mahogany hair just to make sure, it was no better than usual. Why were they staring?

She shrugged her shoulders and got dressed for gym. She groaned when she remembered what they were doing today. The class was going to the work out station, and then they were going to run a mile. Bella was still tired, even though she slept in. The last thing she wanted to do was get sweaty.

Bella went to gym, though. She did what she was told. She worked out on every machinery that was there for at least five minutes. _Boy, I'm out of shape, _Bella thought to herself. She was already exhausted by the time she had to go back to the gym. The class was instructed to run around the large gym five times in a row.

Bella groaned and started jogging, thinking, _this is worse than Volterra. _She continued to run. By the third time around, Bella was sure she would collapse and die. She stopped running and put her hands on her knees. She took deep breaths and was ignoring her aching sides.

"Let's go Swan!" the teacher said. Bella pouted and picked her feet up.

With the workouts and the mile, Bella was smelly. She couldn't help it if there wasn't a deodorant made for every part of her body. She took her time returning to the locker room, by the time she was to her locker, the bell rang. School was over. Bella realized that Edward would be waiting for her.

She groaned for two reasons. One, Bella was nowhere near being dressed and on her way to greet the love of the life. And second, Bella had some serious B.O. Even the others noticed. Which meant that Edward would, too, especially with his enhanced senses.

At that point Bella's exhaustion won over, she didn't care. She just wanted to go home and sleep. Bella got dressed and walked out to the almost empty parking lot, Edward saw her and his face looked relieved.

"Thank goodness! I was starting to worry!" he exclaimed, but he recoiled when he caught her scent.

He gagged! A vampire feeling the need to throw up! It was utter madness. This smell had to be something awful. Bella noticed this, her face glowed red.

"Sorry," she muttered. Edward shook his head.

"It's hardly noticeable." Edward was just lucky he was a great actor. Bella got into the Volvo. Edward took a deep breath of the clean air and got in, as well.

Edward was determined not to breathe, no matter how uncomfortable it got.

The Plunk

Once Bella got home, she excused herself from Edward and took a long, hot shower. Edward told her that he was going to go hunt and he'd be back later. When Edward returned, he climbed through her window. She wasn't in her room.

Charlie was already asleep. He figured Bella was in the bathroom. He made himself comfortable on her bed even though he really didn't need to. He heard a noise coming from the bathroom.

_Plunk, plunk._

It sounded like something dropping into water. Je shook his head and starred at Bella's walls. That's when he heard the noise again. _Plunk, plunk. _He then realized what the sound was, and what Bella was doing.

He tried not to feel embarrassed once again--every human does it. But he couldn't help but to shift uncomfortably. Bathroom business should be private, he felt guilty for hearing Bella in there, doing _stuff_. This was a time he wished he was human again, so he wouldn't have to know what Bella was doing.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out. It was a text from his brother Emmett. He groaned and flipped it open trying to ignore the plunking noises from Bella's bathroom.

**_News Flash Edward, everybody poops!_**

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A/N -** Sorry I picked on Bella. I'm not that big of a Bella fan.  
She's like a sister; you have to love her, but you can always hate her.

Review if you'd like, I'm not stopping you.

I always had this idea in my head, nice to get it out.


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